g’byes to singlewickedfemale

im saying goodbye to this blog. it’s actually one of my favorites, well, aside from my first one at blogspot, this is the only one that i actually updated. Have some of my memorable and most emotional post in here–> but im moving on so please check out my new blog:  scrawls  
 at www.jellyngueco.i.ph 

miniature thoughts

i always thought that i am a strong girl but a very wise guy (Kashif, one of my sister's bestfriends) told me bluntly a couple of hours ago that i am a coward.I am scared of getting hurt so i become cynical and avoid it altogether by refusing to just let it go and risk it all..

*** 

In the same conversation, i was also able to admit that yes i ran away, i escaped from a job that i loved back home because i don't want to be hurt again by the people i value.But cant people just understand that leaving was a greater risk for me? or am i really stubborn?

***

i refuse to accept that i should compromise what i believe in just to get ahead. pleasure and meaning. im still trusting my instincts for now and hoping for the best. 

***

theres  a reason for everything, maybe the reason why i got a good job here is because god is preparing me for something….i just found out what it was and it hurts so much.

***

im gonna take it easy.

***

at the end of the day i know what i want. 

***

i know he's out there, whoever he is. 

16 random thoughts on leaving

1. Sixteen days ago, I abandoned the last three years of my life and flew to the desert. 

2. It was raining so hard when I left that classes were suspended the next day but I was not there to witness that weather dictated holiday.

3. Lye, one of my closest friends told me that the "skies are crying". It was as if nature was stopping me from leaving.

4. When my boss texted me asking me to miss my flight, I imagined a typical Pinoy film ending where the heroine runs from the airport, all wet from the rain singing "Let the love begin…."

5. The long-delayed presentation of the project I pioneered was scheduled on the exact day of my flight.

6. I saw the only person I hate in ABS hours before I left, and I still hate him.

7. When I hugged my boss goodbye, I almost cried.

8.  I almost left my passort, visa and other important documents the first time I had my bags checked at the airport.

9. I was the only Filipina in the Emirates flight wearing slacks and heels. All the others were wearing jeans , rubber shoes  and shirts that suspiciously looked like Blowing Bubbles. 

10. One of the flight attendants dated one of my friends. 

11.  I realized that having your period on your first ever international flight makes the experience "challenging". 

12. I left both of my phones on for the entire  8 hours of the flight and did not notice. I could have caused a major plane crash.

13. I spent almost 3 hours of the flight watching The Simpsons' reruns. 

14. When i got off the plane, I realized that my batteries were drained. I had no idea how to contact my sister.

15.  I 'm beginning to love Indians. My sister's Indian best friend, Satya, was very nice— he drove us from the airport to Deira.

16. Left on a jetplane… don't know when I'll be back again. 

plus ten

28 days…

In the movie version of the same title, it took Sandra Bullock only 28 days in rehab to get over her alcohol problem and finally get a life. 

In my own life version, it's not 28 but  exactly 38 days since that 'brave' day when i finally found the guts to speak my mind and bare my soul. Since that day, I've been trying to update my blog and write about what happened- friendster, multiply, iblog…but i can't seem to put my feelings into cyber-characters and form a decent entry. i can't find the perfect words to justify what i was truly feeling at that moment. 

And now, here i am. it's 1:35 in the morning… i can't sleep and for some weird reason i felt that i am now ready to blog. i thought maybe it's because ive moved on 'coz it all happened more than a month ago… but when i counted , it was exactly 38 days.

so does this mean i am finally over him and next, ill be able to get a life too? maybe. 38 days is not such a long time to brood and mourn over a nonexistent relationship… considering this whole stupid drama has been going on for the last two years. 38 days is fine i guess, so what if it's 10 days longer than Sandra's timeframe… heck he's worse than an alcohol problem … he's an addiction i'm afraid to go back to. for the past year, ive been trying to convince myself that i'm free of him but no, time and again i still kept on coming back… hurting myself more, destroying my sanity. 

But 38 days ago, i finally told him that i need to go on with my life. i finally had the balls to tell him that i'm tired of the games he's playing, and most importantly, i finally had the guts to admit to myself that the reason why i kept silent all this time was because i was afraid to lose him completely. That's the reason why i also convinced myself that i was okay with the leftover attention i kept on getting from him…but i'm done with that. Now 38 days after that fateful day, i have not heard a single word from him. not a single beep. not a single text. not a single howdy. I know that one big factor is that for the past 38 days , i was also able to control myself from talking to him, texting him, anything. finally he's gone. completely. 

now, i have mixed feelings. a little sad of course- that same sad feeling when you finish a good book or a movie… you knew from the start that it will end but that didn't stop you from feeling a little sad that it's finally over. 

i'm also proud of myself of course. duh, other people who do not know the real story would call me stupid for being choosy and demanding (why not just take what i can get?) but hey, i deserve better.

and lastly i feel empty but in a good way. i'm actually excited to move on and fill my life with new people and new memories.  and promise, i'm going to start now. 

beginning to

for so long i tried to bear the indifference

i know it is hopeless to still believe

i know i have to give you up

i know i have to forget

at some point i was able to

i turned myself numb to stop you from clouding my consciousness

but you seem to be an addiction i keep coming back to

there are times when it's you who lures me into those deceptive arms

as if stopping me from totally shutting you out of my life

you tease me with your sweet words

making me remember, making me want more than what you are willing to give

and when  you are assured that i am once again trapped into your cruel passion

hanging on to your every move

you shift into that uncaring thief who stole my peace of mind

you break me with your blah responses

as if wanting me to beg for the littlest of attention

yes i am tempted. so very

but i know that i can't

even if this means i face the risk of losing you completely

because if i do, it is my own sanity i'll lose

extreme, crazy, i know

but as i continue typing these words

i am beginning to

forget? no.

hate. yes hate. such negative feeling is what i need to feel

to wash you away from me, my mind, my heart

sigh. at this point, i may not totally hate you yet

heck maybe love is what i still feel

but believe, i am beginning to.

beachin’ weekend

went to galera this weekend with some highschool buds. the scenario was like another World Youth Day Celebration-clothes off. It was as if everyone conspired to crowd galera at the exact weekend i planned on switching to my relax mode.

i forgot all about diet, i just ate whatever i felt like eating, drowned my system with REGULAR coke (no Light puhlzzz!),La Mumba & mindoro slings, and just lazed around the beach- generally.

Well of course, had a few interesting scenes with my friend(s)- ugh almost (or is it actually) ruined a few golden hours of galera time. but what the heck. i hope i got my point across though.

all i wanted was a few glorious hours of just doin nothin but stare at nothing. i got what i wanted- and a few fab pics as a bonus too

what i really need right now

The last two weeks have been the most stressing part of 2007 for me… i obsessed myself with work so i won't focus on other blah aspects of my life (like love ehem). But everything was just messed up…there came a point when the pressure and the demands of work made me want to give up and cry in a corner. That's why i was so looking forward to my Davao trip (March 16-19). It was a very timely break from my crazy schedule but up until the last minute, something would always come up and it seemed that the only thing that would prevent me from working is shutting myself out to the world. Fortunately, the trip went well. Even if the trip itself is tiring coz the tourist spots are so far away from one another, i felt rested and refreshed… or maybe just the thought of being able to get away put a sense of sanity into my system. 

But now, 2 days after landing back in Manila (the real world),i still feel that something's missing. My schedule is not as crazy- i was able to get off a project i can't fit into my schedule; i'm starting to get the hang of being an SP; my other 2 shows are right on sked; heck , i was even able to go home early and write this crap. so there's actually no reason for me to still complain but no– i feel that my mind is still muddled up.i don't really know what to do but maybe this (see below) will help me get my self on track. i made a list of ten random things that could possibly solve this weird state of mind. sigh. if you could help me achieve any of this, just drop me a line

1. a loooong spa treatment with full body massage, foot scrub, mani and pedicure 

2. a "real" conversation (over coffee) with zeena

3. see zettesu before she leaves for new york

4. haircut and cellophane treatment

5.  galera getaway

6. cute boys (hey, who doesn't?)

7.  a relaxing dinner with friends i don't see  or talk to anymore! (hah! is that u?)

8. new hobby

9. new crush

10. closure

diet

i am on a mission… and that is to lose weight! For the past 18 days, i have not eaten rice and i've been limiting my carbs intake to a maximum of 4 times a week. As of day 14, i already lost 8 pounds so i am getting more and more inspired not to cheat and continue with my diet.

At the same time that i started my diet, i also promised myself to go on a love diet, meaning no boys, no texting, no friendster, no emails- as of day 14 i have been successful. I was able to control myself from not texting "him" and I did not even reply to the email he sent on Day 6.  I pushed myself to concentrate on my career, on myself, anything but food and love. Call it my own version of Detox for the new year. 

But come Day 15, he suddenly messaged me on YM. At first i ignored it but when he Buzzed me already, i gave in. I reasoned that i didn't want to look like a snob so why not? a simple 'huy' would not hurt. The exchange comprised of small talk, the usual "as-if-he's-concerned-that-i'm-not-home-yet"  replies, the bait if i'll be willing to see him again (if ever) and it ended with "…yes, i'll do that when we see each other next time…goodnight". All in all, it was vague and pointless. It was as if he was just trying to reaffirm my presence in his life since i suddenly disappeared during the past 2 weeks. yeah, i told myself i should've ignored him. stupid girl.

I'm actually not really that affected anymore that the exchange was nonsense, i'm more disappointed with the fact that i was not able to control myself from talking to him. But i realized that when you are in that situation, it's pretty hard not to give in. It's worse than being inside a chocolate shop while trying to lose weight!  I felt that all my efforts from day 1-14 were put to waste. 

 Oh well, at least now, i know that food is not really my weakness. 

christMUST

i have so much to do and it's just 2 days before christmas! i have been trying to complete my xmas list for a month now but i don't know what's gotten into me coz up until now i'm still rushing things. i was planning on getting the rest of the stuff today but i remembered how much crowded the malls are and how hard it is to get a taxi, so i changed my mind and slept in! now instead of crashing the stores im blogging! whew! 

 anyway, before i forget to do this: I WANT TO GREET ALL OF YOU A MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS and yes, MAY ALL OF OUR WISHES come true! mwah.

my new mantra for 2007? just believe!

limbo

i am in the time of my life when i feel as though i am just hanging in there… i don't really know where… i'm just there somewhere. this place makes me unsure of what i really want to do, who i really want to be with and what will really make me happy. tough but the weird thing about this  place is that i feel relaxed. my mind is blank and it seems that there is this invisible blanket that is covering all my emotions temporarily. maybe all the mumble jumble i was feeling in the past weeks has numbed me to the point of not feeling anything.

maybe i need to rest but i've never felt so rested in my life.
i just got my hair done, i was thinking that this will calm me or whatever but it didn't … just made my hair a little redder than black. no im not Rouge now  so don't fuss. i just wish i am so that i can absorb other people's happy Christmas energy… selfish i know. tough.

my life’s current playlist…

My friend Zeena posted a blog entry about me  last week. i was deeply touched and bothered at the same time. I realized that my friends were actually worried about me– which prompted me to pour my heart out in this post … read on…

"my life's current playlist…"

“ If I’m not in love with you… what is this I’m going through…?”

<If I’m Not In Love>

I woke up one morning and realized that for the first time in my life, I was in love. I was already expecting the butterflies; the chocolates and roses kind of emotions that will keep my head in the clouds for days but what I did not expect was the deep ache that literally hurt my chest. I hugged my pillow and I felt that I was bursting yet I also felt so empty inside. Tears wanted to well up but at the same time I was feeling so drained that my eyes couldn’t even manage a drop.

“ I love you … you didn’t feel the same …”

<Make It Real>

Then I realized that I was feeling one of the most common yet cruel forms of love: the unrequited kind.

“Out of reach, so far I never had your heart…”

<Out of Reach>

I knew from the start that this man is out of my league. I knew that we really don’t have anything in common. I knew that being with him is impossible and that I could just love him from afar. But a year ago, fate had other plans. It brought us together in the most unexpected way. I was thrilled of course because he was my ultimate crush and just getting to know him a little bit more was definitely something. He was just suddenly in my life surprising everyone especially me but he was also gone so suddenly that I was not able to feel any major loss. I was able to convince myself that his presence was just a temporary indulgence. I was not affected that much because I barely knew him. I was okay.

“You know I’m such a fool for you,

You got me wrapped around your finger,

Do you have to let it linger…?

<Linger>

But fate was not that kind. It brought us together again and again but it was not the typical ‘dating slash flirting’ period. It dragged on for more than a year with him being the constant inconsistency in my life. Here now, gone tomorrow. Repeat. Each time he appears, I was subconsciously falling a little deeper. That was the drama.

“Maybe it’s wrong to say please love me too coz’ I know you’ll never do’

<Maybe>

Being the cynical & intelligent person that I am, I lectured myself a million times about him. I repeatedly told myself not to expect anything because I am 99 percent sure that he won’t really shape up. My motto was to expect the worst so that I’ll be able to appreciate the good little things when they happen. I was my own devil’s advocate and it’s really uncanny because most of the time, the advices I get from my friends are the exact same things that I tell myself.

 

“Because I’d still say yes to you again… darling for you I’ll do it over and over again”

<I’d Still Say Yes>

But there are times when I just drop all these logical ideas and just go on with what my feelings tell me, what makes me happy.  The difference is that I’m entering this situation with my eyes; mind; and heart wide open, knowing that hurt is inevitable. I am trying to derive pleasure from what I can get in the moment without kidding myself that a happily ever after awaits me. I know that I am doing this more for myself than for him. I don’t refuse to see reason, I see the obvious what-to-dos oh so very clearly but I chose not to heed them not to be difficult but to be happy.

“You are the one thing that keeps me smiling…I’m lost in space without you”

<Lost In Space>

My friends are actually worried about my actions because they don’t want me to get hurt. I appreciate that. So much. This is the reason why I want to tell them that hey, don’t worry about me coz’ I am happy. He makes me happy. Believe it or not, even with all the hurting. I really am.

"Someday someone’s gonna love me

The way I wanted you to need me

Someday someone’s gonna take your place

One day I’ll forget about you

Someday someday"

<Someday>

single mindedness

I’ve never had a boyfriend. Yes, after this first line, I know what you’re probably thinking: “Hell, this is another cheesy NO Boyfriend Since Birth tale of a lonely, soon-to-be old maid!” or “ I’ve read slash heard slash watched this ‘I Chose To Be Single’ crap before…” Yes I know because I am one of you. Being single myself and hoping to feel consoled and empowered, I also read and devoured these stories and articles until I became so fed up with the same things being written over and over again. Why? ‘Coz it’s actually getting me nowhere! I still don’t have a boyfriend and if I hear someone tell me one more time that it’s fun to be single, I’ll gladly and unapologetically wring his or her neck!

So if you expect this to be your usual You Go Girl! article, capital S-O-R-R-Y because this is definitely not it. I’m tired of all the WHY BEING SINGLE IS A BLAST or WHY I’M SINGLE AND LOVING IT sh*t that are supposed to make you feel less of a loser, puhleeez. I’m here to give you my own tactless, no-holds barred, sometimes even bitchy account of the real thing: WHY BEING SINGLE SUCKS.  

MYTH # 1

It’s fun being single because you get to spend more time with your family

Oh yeah? Tell that to someone whose mom, titas and even lola are constantly bugging her to introduce the nonexistent boyfriend to the family and take him to dinner. There are times when I believe that my mom is actually worried if she brought me up right because five years after she allowed me to have a boyfriend, I still haven’t come up with a guy she’ll approve or even disapprove of. I imagine that my mom already has this I-don’t-like-him- he’s-not-good-for-you speech she’s way ready to shout at me but still hasn’t found the chance to. Maybe it became too anti-climactic for her that’s why she’s so eager for me to just get on with it and introduce any guy to her, anyone!

MYTH # 2

It’s fun being single because you get to go out and gimik with your friends whenever you want to

Did I hear the word friends? Yes, I have a lot of friends, tons of them. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE my friends but being with them 90 percent of my free time also has its side effects. One, you get a little too possessive of your friends. Since you depend on them for companionship, it’s not surprising that you get green-eyed when they meet new buddies and you feel suddenly left out. You want to keep them inside your circle because without them, you’re alone. There’s no special someone waiting for you in case a friend decides to take a rain check five minutes before the One Night Only Black Eyed Peas concert you’ve saved up for. Heck, you even bought matching outfits for the event only to find out that you’ll have to scream LETS GET RETARDED alone and look like, yes, a retarded.

Which brings me to my next point: When you have a boyfriend, you have someone to go with you to the mall and carry your stuff when your shopping buddy doesn’t feel like it; You have someone to watch your much awaited movie with when all your friends already watched it; There’s someone who’ll take you home without arguing who goes first; someone you can ask to go to Mercury Drug when you’re sick and couldn’t get up… The list goes on but the bottom line is: Our friends also have lives of their own and being single doesn’t give us the right to monopolize all their time and we can’t always ask them to do things for us even if we really need them to. Being single sometimes makes us this kind of friends. We don’t want to feel alone so we share with them not only our joys but also our miseries. Sometimes we even expect them to feel miserable like us! So instead of being all fun and funky, we just scare them away with all our negative energies. Tsk, tsk. Destructive huh?

The next one is what every single girl dreads: her former single girl friends having boyfriends! I assure you this is a nightmare. I’m not being bitter or anything. I’m happy that my friends get to find their Mr. Rights but not when a girls’ night out suddenly turns into a couples’ night and nobody told me about it! Late last year, I, together with three other girl pals planned to watch a concert at Baywalk. On the night of the event, two of them brought their boyfriends with them, and unfortunately for me, our other single girl bud did not show up so I was instantly the fifth wheel! During that night, I was wishing so hard that fairy godmother would hear me and I’ll bump into Prince Charming right there and then. Either that or maybe Manila Bay would just swallow me up! I could’ve wailed if it was not so embarrassing!

MYTH # 3

It’s fun being single because you get to have more time to try new stuff you’ve always wanted to try

Rappelling, Target shooting, Slide for life, Chocolate making, Gymming, Adobe Photoshop, Video Editing, Traveling, Beach hopping, clubbing, bag making, pocketbook hoarding, DVD marathons of LOST, Desperate Housewives, Veronica Mars, Prison Break, My Name is Earl, even Koreanovelas! I followed the manual. I made myself busy with interesting and even daring, life-threatening stuff to make me forget that I’m single and enjoy ME time. Whenever I get an empty space in my usually busy schedule, I made sure to squeeze an activity so I won’t wallow with my solitary self. However, after some time doing all these things, jumping from one hobby to the next became not so exciting anymore. Sure, I enjoyed myself one way or another in these new found hobbies but it didn’t change the fact that there’s still not someone special to share these things with. While trying out these new things, there’s still that nagging hope that Future Boyfriend will suddenly pop out and introduce himself. Suddenly, I did it all wrong. Instead of focusing on having fun, I actually made these activities into an excuse to meet a guy. The gym instructor, the tour guide, the lifeguard, the chef, the laptop seller and even the guy lining up behind me in POWERBOOKS are suspects! PATHETIC. Go on, I’m not telling you to just sit there and get your share of oxygen. MOVE and do whatever you want to try out, as I’ve said I enjoyed myself but if you expect it to be the cure to your lonely heart- dream on honey.

MYTH # 4

It’s fun being single because you get to date lots of guys.

Like any normal single girl I know, I am always on the look out for a possible prey! I am a firm believer that if you really want to have a boyfriend, the least you could do is let the guys know that you’re interested and available. I’m not saying that girls should make the first move (they can in special cases) but girls should drop the pa-Maria Clara façade coz hiding behind an abaniko will make it hard for future boyfriends to find them! So on a regular night out, while my committed girl friends behave under the watchful eyes and constant phone call checks of their boyfriends, I dance the night away and flirt with guys around.  And yes, I did meet guys: guys who can be termed as ‘boylets’. Boylet is how today’s generation call a guy who is more than your friend but is not really your boyfriend. You go out, you flirt, and you do things like you’re in a relationship but minus the commitment. I had my share of boylets but not one became a boyfriend. You can say that just having boylets has its own advantages. You get the same kilig feeling but you are not bound to see this guy exclusively. You can collect and collect until you feel that you’re ready to select. It’s hassle-free because your time is your own and you are not obliged to do girlfriend-things for the guy if you don’t want to. However, the downside is that this set-up goes both ways. The boylet can also see other girls; he can collect and collect and NOT select you in the end; he can disappear and you can’t demand for time because you don’t really have the right to do so. In the end, after all the kilig and excitement, you know that there’s no assurance that he really cares for you and worse, it’s mostly the girls who fall for the boylets and not the other way around. It’s a heartbreak waiting to happen. But of course, you can’t blame girls like me from engaging in this type of set-up because really, deep in our hearts, we know that there’s a wish that one of these boylets will turn out to be the real thing. So I must disagree. Being single and being able to date lots of guys do not always spell fun.  Sometimes, dating becomes a tiring process that just play roller-coaster on a girl’s emotions. And you know what’s worse? Because of the low single woman-man ratio, it’s actually hard to find decent guys to date or meet in the first place!

*  *  *

Maybe you’re thinking what good would this article do anyway? Why let other single lonely girls read this depressing piece when chances are they’ll just feel more miserable, right? Feminists would probably jump at the chance to dissect this and see this as something that degrades women as it suggests that we need men to be happy. Well maybe you’re right and I’m wrong. Maybe all the FUN TO BE SINGLE empowerment stuff is really effective. Maybe there’s just something wrong with me that’s why I am not enjoying single life or worse, why I can’t get a decent guy for a boyfriend. But the reason why I really wrote this is because I want to tell the world how real women like me truly feel about being single. Wow, I appreciate that there are a lot of people who are there to cheer singles like me up, people who even offer advice on how to enjoy life even without a partner. But maybe deep inside, I’m just an old-fashioned romantic. Being single sucks when I have to spend another Valentines alone. It sucks when there’s nobody who sends me corny love messages not because its unlimited texting but because he means it. It sucks when people ask me if I have a boyfriend and when I answer no, they ask me why. It sucks when I’m tired from work and nobody’s there at the end of the day to tell me it’s all going to be all right. It sucks when I get dressed up and make myself pretty knowing that there’s no one special to tell me I’m beautiful whatever I’m wearing. It sucks when I’m already sleepy and there’s no one who’ll offer his shoulder for me to lean on. It sucks when there’s no one I could cuddle up with at night. It sucks when there’s no one to share my deepest thoughts with knowing that he’ll love me no matter what…

I’m sure that if I wanted to, I could note down a whole newspaper’s worth of reasons why it sucks being single but I’ll stop right here. Hopefully, I made my point. Hey, it’s okay to admit that being single makes you feel wretched at times, some times, or even most of the time. When I finally gave in to this realization, I was able to put it behind me. No more lying to myself that I’m okay when I’m really not. Now, I try to find happiness in other things because surprisingly, there’s really more to life than having a boyfriend. I’m not changing sides here, all I’m saying is that if you feel crap about being single (like I still do), no problemo, give in to the feeling, admit it. Stop denying the fact that your lovelife makes you feel miserable because you’ll not be able to find the solution if you don’t face that you have a problem about it.  But like me, learn how to move on and not revolve around this sh**ty feeling. Now that you know that you don’t like the idea of being single, make this your motivation to shape up and become a better person so that when Mr. Right finally comes along, you’ll be ready.

 
***i wanna know what u think! please do comment! thankie.